I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.