I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with.

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.