Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

The anxiety is, "Are they going to come?" and when you get there and it's full you say, "I'm good. I can stop freaking out." But when it's four days out and they're scrambling to find more radio shows and Good Morning Phoenix and all these weird shows, then that gets very tiring.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade.

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.