I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.