I don't care about anybody's perception of me except for the audience.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.

I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five.

I don't know how you do it [working at office]; I would just get up and walk out. That's what I did for pretty much every job I've ever had.