I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.