I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

My career isn't gonna screetch to a halt because some guy in Westbury filmed ten minutes of the show. "Well, we were gonna give you the sitcom but saw that bit you did about the Mormons in Westbury, so get outta here."

Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.