I'm a comic because I don't want to do the nine-to-five, I have to modify that and say I'm a comic because I have an inability to do a nine-to-five.

There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" on The Tonight Show, I mean, it seems so mundane now, but it was in black and white TV and the whole bit was that this guy smoked tons of grass and was a terrible weather man. "Forecast for tonight? Dark."

'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much

I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

There's not a rocket scientist, not a doctor, not an accountant that 30 years in goes, "Oh, now I'm getting it. Now I can't wait to get back out there because I'm better than ever."

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.