The anxiety is, "Are they going to come?" and when you get there and it's full you say, "I'm good. I can stop freaking out." But when it's four days out and they're scrambling to find more radio shows and Good Morning Phoenix and all these weird shows, then that gets very tiring.

If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.

I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD.

You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with.

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.