[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

I've always been very open about it. I've been very open about my addiction, about my panic disorder. But I think that transparency is what can separate you from others because I think that is where comedy is going.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.