I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.

If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.

Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

My career isn't gonna screetch to a halt because some guy in Westbury filmed ten minutes of the show. "Well, we were gonna give you the sitcom but saw that bit you did about the Mormons in Westbury, so get outta here."