I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?

I had a life experience that most of my - that none of my friends had. I remember I became everybody's rabbi. Everybody who needed advice would talk to me, and it became an obvious thing.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.