It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.