I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?

You have such a huge career ... behind you.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.