When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.

The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.