Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.

My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

My parents passed away when I was a teenager, so I had to learn different survival techniques, I think, in comedy. You know, using comedy as a pressure release, as a release valve in life really kept my sanity.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.