Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Life has to keep going, so you can either be a victim the rest of your life and let it drag you down into drugs and alcohol and depression or you can turn it into something good, fun even, you know, and I tell young people who are going through depression that this might be the most important time of your life. This might be what makes you a great artist later on.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.