Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.

I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.