Comedians a lot of times we're on the road, we're by our self. We come home to New York to our empty one-bedroom apartment, you know, and we need a place to go where you see a bunch of other miserable people sit around and eat a corned beef sandwich.

Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.

I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.

South Park called...they want their everything back.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.