I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?

I think March and fall are natural seasons for me to feel invigorated.

I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay."

I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.

I did buy a new piece of furniture so it's like, "Oh, that's something new." But generally my goals are made in the fall.

I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.

I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.