The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.

This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.

I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?