Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.

I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.

Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.