No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.