I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.

As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.