I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.

Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.

Quinn Cummings is a master story-teller and her book is nothing short of delightful. Her insights into topics like celebrity, parenting, and cats with a taste for homicide are pithy and uproarious and not to be missed. Notes from the Underwire is charming, hilarious, and just snarky enough to be ultimately satisfying.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.