I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.
Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.
The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.
I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.