I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

As a reader, I notice political views regardless of whether or not the book is fiction. What annoys me is when said views do nothing to advance the narrative.

Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.

Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.