I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.

I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.