I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.

I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.