I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.

I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.

I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.