You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Seriously, our nation is never going to be on the same page on issues like gun control, welfare, the economy, the environment, etc. I doubt we'll ever come to terms on tastes great or less filling and hybrids versus Hummers, and there will always be Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, and never the 'twain shall meet. Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.

When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.