Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.

That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room.

You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself.

You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.