Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

If you're an old pro, you know how well you're doing when you're doing it, and your inner government spanks you if you're not doing well.

Don't you understand how dramatic it is to be a comic? To be a fool, to get people to laugh at this show-off? Milton Berle could take Laurence Olivier and stick him under the table if he wanted to. And so could I.

I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Postwar America was a very buttoned-up nation. Radio shows were run by censors, Presidents wore hats, ladies wore girdles. We came straight out of the blue - nobody was expecting anything like Martin and Lewis. A sexy guy and a monkey is how some people saw us.

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.