If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is - it's hitting 70 million Americans.

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!