Success is the enemy of comedy.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.

It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.