Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?