Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'