I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.