I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.