Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.