Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Why would anybody want a friend?