Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.