Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?