You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.