If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.