See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.