Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.