Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

You can be passionate about anything.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?