Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?