I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?