The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, 'Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!' Once you put that helmet on them, 'You're in the luge, buddy!' 'aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA... aaaAAAAA...' World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.