Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?