Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.