A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.