You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.