Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.