Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.