I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.