I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

Festivus for the Restivus!

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.