I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.