I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.